Why your past matters in adoption – healing before you parent

Why your past matters in adoption – healing before you parent

When I first stepped into the adoption process, I thought the focus would be entirely on the child’s history. Their story. Their trauma. Their needs. But very quickly, I realised something I hadn’t expected: my past mattered too.

The questions asked in assessment weren’t just about what kind of home we could provide, but about who we were, the experiences that had shaped us, the wounds we carried, and the patterns that might surface in parenting. At times, that felt overwhelming. I remember wondering: “Am I enough? What if my past gets in the way of being a good parent?”

Here’s the truth: adoption isn’t just about welcoming a child into your family. It’s also about understanding yourself as a parent, because the two stories meet and shape each other.

How our past shows up in parenting

Every one of us has a story. Some of it is beautiful, some of it painful.

Research shows that many adoptive parents begin the process with unrealistic expectations of themselves, believing they must be fully ready or “over” their own struggles. Studies link these expectations to higher stress and emotional strain later in parenting.

When we become parents, those experiences we have gone through don’t disappear. They show up in the way we love, the way we set boundaries and parent, and the way we cope when things feel out of control. For example:

• If you grew up in a family where emotions weren’t safe to express, you may find it hard when your child has big feelings.
• If you experienced loss or rejection yourself, your child’s push-pull behaviour might cut deeper than you expect.
• If you learned early on to “be strong” and hold it all together, you might struggle to show vulnerability in front of your child.

None of this makes you a bad parent. It makes you human. But it’s why being aware of our own history is so important in adoption, because children who’ve experienced trauma need parents who can hold their big feelings without being consumed by their own.

You don’t have to be perfect or fully healed

Here’s the part I want you to hear most clearly: you do not have to be fully healed to be a loving, safe, and aware parent. Trauma-informed experts like Bessel van der Kolk and Gabor Maté remind us that healing is a journey, not a destination. What children need is not a perfect parent, but a parent who is:

• Aware of their own triggers and patterns.
• Willing to pause and reflect, even after a wobble.
• Open to repair when things don’t go as planned.

Parenting through adoption is about connection, not perfection. And connection starts with you knowing yourself, the strengths you bring, and the places where you may need extra support.

Here’s a clip from Dr. Dan Siegel, a leading voice on attachment and trauma, who explains beautifully how presence shapes the way we show up as parents. Even the first few minutes of this talk are a powerful reminder that our past shapes us and how the power of presence in parenting enables us to show up more fully for our children.

A reflection for you

Take a quiet moment today and ask yourself:

• What parts of my own story feel tender when I think about parenting?
• What strengths do I bring from my life experience?
• Where might I need support, so I don’t feel alone in this journey?

Even writing down a few words can bring clarity and compassion. Remember, awareness is the first step towards breaking unhelpful patterns and creating new ones.

Understand the past, embrace your future

If you’re preparing for adoption, please know this: your past does not disqualify you from being the parent your child needs. In fact, the very act of reflecting on your story is a sign of strength. It means if you look inwards and recognise what you need to help you grow and give yourself some self care, you can move forward and realise you are in control of you. Healing before you parent isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about choosing awareness, compassion, and growth, so you can offer your child the safety and stability they need to thrive.

You are not alone in this journey. At embrace, I will support you, and I will listen to you. And with trauma-informed tools, resources, and community, you will feel supported every step of the way.