Preparing together: How you can stay connected as a couple through the adoption process

Preparing together: How you can stay connected as a couple through the adoption process

When you begin the adoption journey, people talk a lot about the paperwork, the panels, and the waiting. What they don’t often talk about is how adoption can stretch, challenge, and sometimes strain the relationship between two people who love each other deeply.

I can remember during our own adoption process, there were days when my husband and I felt completely out of sync. One of us wanted to talk it all through late at night, while the other needed silence or to reflect. One of us carried hope; the other carried fear, then vice versa. And yet, we both wanted the same thing; to become parents. We had felt so out of control trying to become parents conventionally, we wanted to gain control whilst starting our adoption journey and at times it felt just as tricky!

If you’re preparing to adopt, you and your partner don’t have to get it “perfect” together. But being intentional about how you prepare as a couple can help you stay connected through the ups and downs.

The hidden stress on relationships

Adoption isn’t just a personal journey; it’s a couple’s journey. The process brings with it:

• Waiting periods that feel endless.
• Assessments where your relationship and yourself as an individual are questioned in great depth about your life history.
• Uncertainty that can leave one partner clinging to control while the other may have doubts and feel helpless.

In fact, research shows that over 40% of adoptive parents say the process put unexpected strain on their relationship, often because of the waiting and the feeling of being constantly assessed.
Therefore, it’s no wonder tensions can rise. Sometimes, the stress doesn’t always show up as huge arguments but as distance, two people coping differently, both feeling misunderstood.

Being aware that adoption naturally puts strain on a relationship is the first step. It’s not a sign something’s wrong, it’s a sign you’re human. I learnt early on that the only way to get through this is to always be honest with each other and yourself.

Parenting styles and expectations

One of the biggest surprises for couples is how early parenting differences show up, long before a child even arrives.

• One partner may imagine a calm, structured routine; the other a more go-with-the-flow style.
• One might worry about managing challenging behaviour; the other might feel confident but overlook the emotional toll.
• One might feel strongly about boundaries; the other about empathy.
• Your childhood upbringing may influence your parenting style and be the opposite to your partner’s.
• Your values as a couple may be aligned, but as potential parents these values may be completely different. 

Neither approach is wrong. But unspoken differences can become cracks under stress. That’s why it helps to name them now, with curiosity rather than criticism.

Ask each other:

• What kind of parent do you hope to be?
• What do you want to repeat from your own childhood, or do differently?
• What do you think will be hardest for us as parents?
• What are the values that resonate with you and how would you want them to translate into parenthood?
• What do you think are the qualities each would bring to your family home/your child that would be impactful?

Having these conversations creates awareness.  Awareness gives you choices when things get tough. Awareness is key to acknowledging what needs to be addressed and brought into the light.

Staying connected on the journey

Even when emotional pressures are high, connection is possible. In fact, it’s the glue that will keep you together through the process.

Here are a few simple ways to nurture connection:

• Create small rituals. A walk together after training, social worker meetings or panel meetings. Do the ‘thing’ that reconnects you as a couple.
  
• Practise empathy. Remember your partner’s way of coping is their survival strategy, not a rejection of you. They may have other things on their mind that are weighing heavy alongside your adoption journey.
  
• Regulate together. Pause, breathe, and ground yourselves before big conversations. Sometimes it’s not about solving a problem but calming the nervous system side by side.

I learned that staying aligned didn’t mean always agreeing. It meant holding onto the truth that we were on the same team, even when we saw things differently.

This short video by Brené Brown beautifully explains the difference between sympathy and empathy. It’s a helpful reminder for couples navigating adoption: sometimes, it’s not about fixing things for your partner, but being with them in the feeling.

A reflection for you

If you’re preparing together, take 10 minutes this week and ask each other:

• What’s been the hardest part of this journey for you so far?
• What helps you feel most supported by me?
• What’s one small thing we could do to stay more connected this month?

Sometimes the smallest conversations help to keep you on the same page emotionally.

Reflecting together

Adoption isn’t a solo journey, even if it sometimes feels that way. Preparing together doesn’t mean avoiding conflict or always agreeing with each other. It means choosing to show up for each other, again and again, with honesty and love.

If you’re reading this and feeling a little out of step with your partner, please know you’re not failing. Staying connected through adoption takes intention and it’s worth every moment, because the love you build now will be the foundation your child steps into.