You don’t have to be fully healed to be a loving parent

You don’t have to be fully healed to be a loving parent

One of the biggest fears I hear from adoptive parents and one I carried myself is this: “Am I emotionally healed enough to be the (potential) parent my child needs?”

It’s a heavy question but it comes from a good place: the deep desire to give our children the home they deserve. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to be fully healed to be a safe, loving, and attuned parent.

The myth of the ‘perfect parent’

Many of us may carry an unspoken belief that good parents don’t waver; they stay steady and always know the next step. That if we carry our own scars from childhood, relationships, or even infertility, we might not be ‘enough’ for a child who has already faced loss.

But perfection is an impossible standard. It doesn’t exist. In fact, children don’t need flawless parents. They need real, present parents who are willing to learn, repair, and keep showing up.

Research backs this up: adoptive parents often feel pressured to have it ‘all together’ before starting the process. Studies show these unrealistic expectations create unnecessary guilt and stress, but they’re not what children actually need.

In the UK, 7 in 10 adoptive parents report feeling emotionally unprepared at the start of the process, not because they don’t love their child, but because the pressure to ‘get it right’ is so heavy.

What children actually need

Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe what children need most in their book The Power of Showing Up: to feel Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure. These 4 Ss are the foundation of secure attachment.

Notice what’s not on the list: perfection.

• Safe doesn’t mean you never make mistakes. It means your child knows you’ll protect and care for them.
  
• Seen doesn’t mean you never miss a cue they give you. It means you notice, and when you miss it, you try again.
  
• Soothed doesn’t mean you never get overwhelmed. It means you keep coming back to repair and comfort.
  
• Secure doesn’t mean you never wobble. It means your child trusts that you’ll be there, even after the wobble.

Children who’ve experienced loss don’t need parents who’ve ‘fixed’ everything in themselves. They need parents who are aware, compassionate, and willing to keep learning and growing.

Parenting from a place of growth

When I first became a mum through adoption, I worried that my own unhealed parts would be felt by my child. But over time, I realised something powerful: being in the process of healing can actually be a gift.

• It teaches our children that growth is possible at any age.
• It shows them how to navigate emotions honestly and openly.
• It models what it looks like to apologise, repair, and reconnect.

One day, after I became overwhelmed and raised my voice, I went back to my child and said, ‘I’m sorry. That must have felt scary, I love you.’ At that moment, I wasn’t a perfect parent, but I was a healing, growing, loving parent. And that mattered far more.

Connection Over Perfection – 10 Lessons From The Power of Showing Up

This short video based on The Power of Showing Up shares ten simple lessons on what really helps children flourish – presence, not perfection. It’s a beautiful reminder that being a loving parent isn’t about getting it right every time, but about showing up, repairing, and growing together.

A reflection for you

Take a moment today and ask yourself:

• What unrealistic standards am I holding myself to as a parent?
• How might my own healing journey actually be a strength for my child?
• What would it feel like to let go of perfection and focus on connection?

Even noticing the questions can lighten the weight of “Am I enough?”

Adoption Q&A: common fears about healing and parenting

A 2023 study found that adoptive parents who practised self-compassion and realistic expectations reported better well-being for themselves and stronger outcomes for their children.

Q: Do I have to be fully healed before I can adopt?
A: No. Adoption agencies don’t expect perfection; they expect awareness. What matters most is your willingness to reflect on your past, seek support, and grow as you parent.

Q: What if my child triggers old wounds I thought I’d dealt with?
A: That’s normal. Parenting, especially through adoption, often brings up layers of our own story. What matters is noticing it and finding ways to regulate and repair, not pretending it isn’t there.

Q: Can my child still feel safe even when I get things wrong?
A: Absolutely. What builds secure attachment isn’t never making mistakes, it’s showing your child that you’ll come back, repair, and reassure them. When you say, “I’m sorry, I love you, I’m here,” you show them that safety and love remain, even after wobbles.

Healing together

You don’t need to have it all together to adopt, or to be the parent your child needs. What matters is your willingness to reflect, repair, and keep showing up with love.

Your healing and your parenting are not separate; they grow together, side by side. And sometimes, your child’s journey will even help unlock healing you didn’t know you needed.